~thebeastoftorment

hello to anyone reading this,yesterday i found out that my father died. i know i should be feeling real sad and all but for some reason i dont. maybe its best that i start from the beginning. my father and mother had a divorve when i was six yrs old, for 14 yrs i havent heard from him exept for when my mom would tell me what she heard from my aunt. this means i grew up never relly know him but only as a bastard. that is what i declared him as i pieced all the stories together. how he tried to kill my mom and how he was saying that me and my brothers and sister were not his children. this only made me more furious. as time progressed i got older and learned how to shave fight and ask girls out still working on that but talking to them isnt a problem. anyway i grew up. while i was working at my job my mom called me and told me that he was in the hospital due to a heartattack. by this time he had already gone through a 2nd divorce and was with an old girlfriend from his childhood. she came over to my house and personally told my mom that and that she wanted to try and get us to see him. i sucked up all my courage and went. short time later he wanted to start seeing us agian ofcourse it took alot to forgive him exept for my oldest brother who didnt want anything to do with him.and he disowned us from his family. my other brother who is older than me by 1 yr accepted him the fastest due to him being adopted and never had a father. he was the only one that would always be positive no matter what our mom told us. he would always say he is still our father.from the time my father was out of the hospital we saw each other every weekend this made my mom sad and left me torn between two world, two sides and i didnt like it so i tried my best to spread my love to them. for one year i was happy he went to my graduation and saw me go to college which im sstill in. wasnt till my second semester he left us agian and with out a word or a single good bye. this made me angry and i didnt want to deal with this shit all over again so i stopped caring for him. he left in mid january. and i havent heard from him since. until now when i heard he died. now im tearing my self apart because my oldest brother doesnt want to deal with us and my older brother is blaming me for my fathers death. i dont know what to do and i know my life is going to get worse . n ow im scared of what will happen to me and my family. can anyone help me ? or am i just going to godown in flames